I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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