I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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