The maid of honor just puked.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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