Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
