I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
