I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
