Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
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