Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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