What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
