1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
