I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
