Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
