i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
