my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
