yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
