just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
