when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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