My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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