Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's the barista slut.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
