He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
