Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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