you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
