I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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