6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
