You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
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We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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