I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
