That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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