I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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