Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
