best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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