I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
