Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
