too bad you live with your parents still
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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