Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize