So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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