There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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