the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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