Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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