Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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