So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
