is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
