So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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