I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize