did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
