It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
