My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
