do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
