using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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