You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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