We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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