if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Vodka?
Forever.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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