there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
