Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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