She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
